ctrl + alt + delete : a reboot.

It’s taken me six months to write this post.

In June, my nine year tenure with Anthropologie ended abruptly with the dissolution of my role and those others solely supporting the brand’s online marketplace initiative. It’s not that I didn’t see it coming, because I did. It’s not that I didn’t know it was time to move on, because I did. It’s not that I didn’t give it everything that I had, because I did.

While I felt like the decision was short-sighted, I don’t harbor feelings of ill will toward my former employer. Decisions are made every day in boardrooms that, while they may make sense on paper or make sense for the bottom line, turn a blind eye to the people behind the scenes who give endlessly of themselves to build something from nothing for no other reason than that they care about what they do.

I didn’t say much of anything to anyone outside of my inner circle about this, partly because I felt an immense amount of shame and partly because I was curious to see if anyone would even realize (or care) that I was gone. This dissolution of my role was nothing to feel shameful about. I wasn’t fired or let go due to an inability to do my job well. A handful of former colleagues reached out in the months after my departure with casual messages reeking of office gossip thinly veiled as words of kindness, but for the most part, I can sum up my experience with Anthropologie in six words: out of sight, out of mind. Pretty devastating after nearly a decade of hard work and dedication to building stores, teams, relationships and programs, but I digress.

Being a total doer and hater of pity parties, I decided early on that I wasn’t going to sit around counting the minutes until I found another job. I wasn’t going to punish myself for decisions that were out of my control. I wasn’t going to allow my value and sense of self to be diminished by this and, ultimately, I was successful in that endeavor. Sure, I had my moments of sadness and anger. I listened to too many hours of sad music (pretty sure my Spotify Wrap Up for 2019 says it all). I may have even shed a tear or two into a champagne cocktail while on a date with a lovely man who innocently asked, “So what do you do for work?” Poor guy didn’t even see it comin’. Needless to say, we only went out once, because “teary mess” isn’t the most attractive quality, I guess. In the end, though, I turned severance into sabbatical and spent the last six months reconnecting with the things that I love. Here are a few things that I was missin’…but not anymore.

The value of playing tourist in your own city…and beyond

I spent so much time pouring myself into work, I never really took the time to pour myself into Philly (and the rest of the east coast). Turns out, Philadelphia is pretty great. Beautiful parks and museums. Great music scene. Spectacular taco game. And let us not forget the stellar street art. I love the close proximity to the mountains and the beach and I’ve tried to take at least one day every week to explore.

Music: Listening ~ Concertgoing ~ Playing

I’ve seen more shows in the last six months than I have in the last six years. I’ve taken my friends up on offers to go out and listen to new bands without worrying about being a zombie at work the next day. I started singing again. I studied music in college and actually minored in Vocal Performance, but haven’t done much since embarking on an accidental retail career. I might actually start playing the guitar again, too.

Cooking for fun

This is a big one. I’ve been plugging away at my side hustle of recipe testing and food styling and photography for years, but I’d gotten away from coming home and cooking for myself and my loved ones. Sometimes you’re just too tired after a long day to go to the store, prep and cook something, but having the flexibility and time to learn to love shopping for and preparing meals and hosting dinner parties again has been, well…satisfying.

Running

Although I’m not a serious runner, I’ve been at it for a few years now. I never really quit running, but ya know…job stress can cause and worsen illness and illness is the enemy of exercise (even though exercise can sometimes cure illness). I endured so much job stress, especially over the last couple of years, that looking back, I actually feel relieved and grateful for the time to refocus on myself and my personal wellness.

Reading

Books, man…I freakin’ love books. I’ve read 20 in the past six months. To put it in perspective, last year, I finished 5. FIVE.

Thinking about my next chapter

I think about this a lot. Like, A LOT a lot. I hope I’m not alone in this, but I got so caught up in supporting myself and building my confidence and stability as an independent woman, that I think I forgot how to dream. I got to spend these past few months dreaming about what could be next and I think I’m actually ready for my next chapter and I know it’s going to be great.

I’ll leave you with some wise words courtesy of The Avett Brothers (who received quite a few of my listening hours this year) from one of my favorite songs, Head Full Of Doubt / Road Full Of Promise:

There was a dream / and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in / and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid / with a head full of doubt
So I'll scream til I die / and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out